This girl is 17 years old, and she struggles with the codes and clichés of her generation. She suffers from feeling rejected, to the point of not being able to be herself anymore.
I decided to write because I just spent the whole evening crying, feeling guilty and hating myself.
I am 17 years old and I think I have a problem with others. I don't think anyone likes my personality.
I can't have a "normal" social life
It's true, everyone seems to like people who are a little offbeat, who are not afraid of anything and who know how to talk to everyone, who can make friends in no time.
It takes me at least three years to feel comfortable with someone.
I always wonder how others manage to get close to someone in such a short time, when I can know them for more than a year and still not know what to do, what to say, how to behave.
I am strangely shy. At first glance, I will be very welcoming and smiling. But I never get intimate with people.
I always keep a big distance between me and them, as if to protect myself. But in the end, I hurt myself more than anything else.
I'm 17 and I'm not invited out for a drink at night, or even to hang out in the city. I'm 17 and I'm alone in bed crying over videos of my friends having a good time at the local pub.
I'm 17 and I've never had a boyfriend, I've never slept with a boy. I'm the only one who, when it comes to actions or truths, can never answer all those daring questions that are so much fun.
The day this reader realized that her sex life with her lovers revolved around penetration, she realized the automatisms in which she was locked... and made the decision to get out.
On February 14, 2020
The Holy Grail, the sacrosanct sexual practice of our heteronormed world, without which a sexual intercourse is not considered as "real sex". Or at least, that's the conception I always had in mind, me, a young woman who liked boys.
It took me years to deconstruct this conception. Until I relegated penetration to the background in my sexual life.
An awareness of my sexuality
I am 25 years old, and it is only 4 or 5 years since I made this observation: vaginal penetration does not satisfy me physically and I practice it mainly to please my partners.
And yet, before 20 years old, I had never questioned this automatism in my sexual life. Why is it that when I masturbate, I never penetrate myself, neither with objects, nor with my fingers, while when I am with a guy, I don't consider sex without it?
It is very (not to say very very very very very) rare that I reach orgasm with vaginal penetration, even though it can be pleasant.
So why is it that the so-called "foreplay" that gives me more pleasure than the rest is always so secondary? All these questions have been very hard for me to ask myself.
I'm happy to be in an environment that allows me to question my automatisms to have more control over my choices and my intimacy.
But sometimes, when everything is shaken up... it's a little hard to take, even if it's for the better. All of a sudden, I saw my whole sex life flash before my eyes, and I felt stupid for never having questioned the automatism of penetration.
However, I always considered that I was sexually fulfilled: I had always had sexual partners who listened to me, who were respectful and kind...
But all these qualities do not prevent me from being stuck in the pre-established patterns of heterosexual relationships which dictate that cunni is a preliminary practice which has no place after penetration and male ejaculation and that, if the lady has not come, well, it will be (maybe) for another time.